My therapist Rick Smale.
As mentioned in my earlier post, I had friends who challenged me to be a better woman for Christ, a more loving wife to Mike, and a more gentle mother to my children. I was angry. I was scared. I was regretful. I was slowly slipping deeper and deeper into a dark past that was forbidding me to shine my life for Jesus. I didn't really KNOW this, but you could just watch my actions and question my ability for being a good witness. They called me out one night sitting around the fire. We had discussed past hurts, unanswered prayers, and our struggles with marriage and parenting. Not a bitch session, just a heart to heart discussion. I remember my friend Jean, asking point blank did something happen to you when you were young.....pause......heart beating......"What do you mean? My dad wasn't always the kindest with his words"..........pause.......me thinking Shew I missed that bullet :) My sweet friend Jean again, "No I mean something else, I think we have had the same experience as a child, if it's what I'm thinking and it truly sounds like it is, Joni you need to talk with someone!" I burst out in tears, shaking my head in agreement. It was my deepest darkest secret. It was the small voice that taunted me at night. It was the one thing that I had pushed down so deep that I didn't want to relive that night.
Reluctantly, I went to talk with a Christian Counselor that gave me scriptures to meditate on, books to read about moving forward, and just a sweet spirit to let me do the ugly cry without any judgement or fear. He truly changed my life. Funny thing was that once I admitted that happened in my life and quit putting blame on myself my burden was lifted and the baggage that I carried for so long was given a new home. I truly laid it at the feet of Jesus and knew he was only one who would and could change me.
Another thing he made me realize was the ripple effect of that experience and even though it wasn't an intentional act of rejection and hurt, I was a woman who needed to choose what voice I would listen to that day. It was affecting my marriage. It was affecting the way I parented. I wrote a poem during that time that I want to share today.
FREE
It's a new day and I wake up refreshed and renewed,Telling myself that today I'm forgiven and that I have no debts that are overdue.
I fight back temptations and memories that I want to go away,Because I'm choosing to fight my battles instead of hiding and running astray.
Good times, bad times, it goes back and forth in my head,Praying to my loving God, that I would continue my walk with him like I said.
Stumbling to be quiet and still to listen to his voice,Knowing that I have free will and hoping that I will make the right choice.
But too often, I go along in this pathetic life,Like a woman without hope and keeping tabs on all the things I don't do right.
Fall in love with me, worship me, allow me to be your all,Let me wipe away your sadness and grief, let me catch you when you decide to fall.
Holding onto the lies that Satan whispers in my ear,Has been my best friend, my companion, and excuse for oh so many years.
I ponder why he wants and seeks a relationship with stupid old me,Truth is, I do know the TRUTH, but sometimes it's more comfortable than being set free!
I am a free forgiven woman. Do I have it figured out? Absolutely not. Do I fail? Yep, most days. Did my therapy fix all my problems. Nope, but it makes them bearable. Some days I need a do over. Some days I fall back to my old selfish ways. Some days I want to press the memories and hurt instead of facing them head on! Some days I'm awesome. Some days I'm more affectionate to my family. Some days I don't let fear override joy.
He taught me to face my fears. In his honor, I'm sending a special package to a woman who has faced devastating loss with honor and strength. She truly is amazing.
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