Celebration 2 Jamie Briscoe

Celebration 2
My sister Jamie.

Some wouldn't believe the stories I could tell from our childhood knowing the beautiful, thoughtful, and quiet person she is today.

SHE IS A PROTECTOR.  She protected both my brother and I, in the earlier days of my life from the neighborhood bully.....she truly punched him and he never bothered our family again.  In my teenage days, she tried to protect me from breakups with boys and squabbles with friends.  Later in my early 20's she pleaded with me to choose a different life style that she knew was disastrous.  I've never told her that she was the reason I left that life and turned my eyes towards Jesus and his everlasting love for me.  Thank you for that!

SHE IS MY ADVISER.   Ask my husband, when I first had Lily I wouldn't do ANYTHING without calling her first.  She is one of the first calls I make if making a hard decision, struggling with life, or if I need someone to be my cheerleader.  She has always given me hard loving truth and I'm appreciative of that.

SHE IS MY HELPER.  She has helped me wallpaper, remove wallpaper, paint, paint, paint, paint some more!  Babysat Lily when she was little so I could work.  Helped me love music and dance, I have learned to love reading because she would always read to me when I was little.  I can still remember word for word "Cat, you need a Hat!"   She has saved me time and time again when it comes to art shows and science fairs.  That basement isn't full of stuff for no reason  :)

She has taught me unselfish love.  In her honor today, I paid for a girls dance lessons for one month.

Church Sucks!

A personal relationship with Jesus includes a public relationship with his people. Do you selfishly want the benefits without the burdens? ~ Mark Driscoll

YES!! YES!! YES!!  Can I get an Amen!

Church is hard.  Being motivated to go to church, exhausting at times.  Church is needed, but not always wanted.  Lately, I have been disappointed in God's people, including myself.  It's a fight with myself most Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights, convincing myself that it's better to go even with a not so right attitude than to not go at all, but then Satan begins to whisper in my ear, you hypocrite, big fat liar, be a false witness because you are a worthless Jesus follower.

Most of this frustration comes with the relationships or lack of relationships that I have with his people.   If I could just sing praises to him daily, be inspired by his word, feel the peace that he freely gives, then being a Jesus follower wouldn't be such a task.  But, we are thrown in with Judas's of our days who look to betray our trust, we are expected to mingle with the Thomas's who doubt what Jesus is doing in the church, and work along side the Martha's who are way to busy to focus on Jesus because of the task they have at hand.

My husband always call these people EGR people.  You know who they are, when you see them at church, you politely go the other way.  Never rude, never friendly, just avoid them if at all possible.  Extra (E) Grace (G) Required (R).  Funny thing about EGR's are guess what, I am someone's EGR.  Someone pretends that they need to go to the bathroom when they see me walking their way.  Someone talks about me and my annoying habits, my disrespectful comments, my long annoying conversations, and my lack of singing ability :)  That's hard to swallow, but the truth!  

We are called to Love God, Love Others.  Why couldn't it just be Love God.  I want to say I have the Love  God figured out. but if that was true loving others, loving his people wouldn't be such a burden!  Praying that God intervenes in the relationships that make it more of a burden than a blessing to be the Church.  Praying that if I'm the Judas, Thomas, or Martha that makes it impossible to worship God, than he gives me friends like Nathan to call me out on my behavior!  Until then, I'll continue to Believe all things are possible, Hope all things will be easy, and have Faith all things will work out.

Daddy

Dear Papaw,

If I had a wish and it had to be for someone else I would wish a wish for you.  I would wish that you would stop smoking and wish that you would stop saying inipropret (inappropriate) words.  If I had to pick one I would pick the words.  

PS.  It makes me upset that I know you say words that I don't like.  It makes me sad.  

PLEASE STOP!!

Lily

My daughter didn't want me reading this, she would really be upset with me if she knew I was blogging about it.  Hopefully one day, when she matures, she can read my thoughts and appreciate my wisdom :)  What makes it more interesting is the conversation that followed.  

Lily:  Did you read that letter?

Me:  Yes, I did.  What are you planning on doing with it?

Lily:   Give it to Papaw.

Me:  Well, if I had to choose between those two things, I would choose him to stop smoking.

Lily:  Well, hmm, smoking hurts him, his words hurt others.  

Right then and there, I wanted to crawl into my bed and be done for the night.  This little girl understands the power of words, accepts reality for what it is, and chooses to ASK him to change his behavior.  Why didn't I ever do that?  It took me years to accept my dad for who he was, forgive him for his harsh words, accept reality and know that I needed to love him like Jesus demanded.  That's really hard.  I NEVER thought I should have a discussion with him and ask him to be wiser when it came to the way he spoke.  Instead I would take every word that rolled off his tongue and think of ways that it offended me.  Still to this day, there are times, I interpret his words to mean something he truly doesn't say.  My husband has been kind and gentle in rebuking me when I twist his words to make me feel worthless.  I chose to live my life that way.  I chose to suffer in silence.  I chose everyday to think of ways that he had damaged me.  I chose to live as the victim of circumstances.  When in all reality, I chose hatred.

My dad would be shocked if he knew some of things I did in rebellion, proving to him that I could be worthless and stupid.  My dad would be heartbroken if he knew that the "real" song I wanted to dance with him at my wedding, was "Daddy" from Alanis Morrisette.  My dad would be ashamed if he knew all those years, I kept dates, times, circumstances, in my head of disappointments and harsh words.  I kept them like a daily diary, the memories of my childhood would be hashed over & over when I lay in bed at night.  But, with so many things in my life, God intervened.  

The woman I was becoming......negative, fearful, distrustful, bitchy, mean wasn't God's plan for me.  I started facing some of those childhood memories, some fact, some fiction, and forgave.  It wasn't easy.  It wasn't a quick fix.  It was a life-changing decision for me to realize that this man, loved me.  He wasn't the best at showing it to me, at least that's what I thought.  Now that I'm more mature, I realize his love language.  He was a provider, he was a hard worker, he was honest, but most of all he was and is my dad.  Not right, not wrong, just different than what I envisioned our relationship being.  Does he love me?  Absolutely.  Is he proud of me?  Yep, most days.  Does he wish he would have done things differently?  I think so.  Maybe I will get enough nerve and ASK him......or have Lily write him a letter :)

  

Conversations that make you go Hmmm

The parents exist to teach the child, but also they must learn what the child has to teach them; and the child has a very good deal to teach them.  Arnold Bennett

As promised, my facebook status the other day said "Interesting conversation this morning in the car with Lily....she is a deep thinker.  To much to write here, but I think a blog is in the future.  She has me thinking."  First of all, why does she always ask me the hard questions while traveling in the car where I can't escape and I can't distract her?  So, here it goes.

Some of you may not know, but this year our children are attending St. Vincent Catholic School and so far, so good!  Anyway, we were talking about Mass and how they worship differently than us.....and of course they have REAL WINE :)  Lily still can't get over that fact.  That conversation led us down the path as to what teachings we believe in that are alike, what teachings we believe in that are different, and I tried to explain to her that we share the main point which was Jesus died for us on the cross.  She agreed that was important.  Then, silence, silence scares me because I know she's thinking.  "Mom, I have a question."  Yep, here it comes.  "Why is it that some parents drop their children off at church and don't stay themselves?"  Being blessed with some years of parenting I followed her question with a question, Mike has taught me that!  To avoid the quotations and confusion as who said what I'm doing the following format.

Me:  Well, how does that make you feel when you see that?
Lily:  It makes me sad.  It makes me wonder if the parents think that church teaches them bad things.
Me:  I don't think parents think church is teaching them bad things because if they did they wouldn't send their children there.
Lily:  Then why don't they stay?
Me:  Maybe they are busy, maybe they don't feel good, maybe they don't enjoy their particular class.
Lily:  That's the most important thing they can teach their children which is to love Jesus.
Me:  That's true
Lily:  It's hard for me to understand because I know the parents love Jesus (as this time she inserted several families but I'm not calling you out).  It's hard for me to understand if they really love Jesus because church is where you need to learn more about him and if they are telling their children to come learn, why are they not staying?  Just confusing to me, saying one thing, acting another way.
Me:  Well that's good for you to think about, when I was a little girl my Mom always dropped us off at church and never stayed, but now that I'm older I realize it's because she worked on Sundays.  I wondered the same thing as you when I was younger and I wished my Mom would have told me the reason because it made me kinda mad at her.  That's one thing I want to do different, give you my reason for my thinking.
Lily:  Yeah, you do that all the time!

Whew, that was fun!  Almost there, almost there, get this girl out of my car. Silence.  Crap.  "Mom, I have another question."  Here we go again.

Lily:   Why do you not take communion sometimes?
Me:  Well hmmm, sometimes I don't feel close to God.  I haven't prayed that week, I haven't read my bible, I haven't made good decisions, so I don't think it's right to take communion just because it's there.
Lily:  He loves you no matter what
Me:  I know, but it's just my personal decision not to go through the motions, but to really think about what it means to follow him.

We are in the parking lot.  Getting closer.  She looks over at me with the most innocent, loving, manner and smiles as to say I love you, but most of all God loves you.  I held it together until they were all out of the car, then tears flowed.  At that very moment, my heart leaped for joy that my daughter gets it, but my heart also ached  because of what she is witnessing in her own church.  I know parents are not perfect, I'm far from it, but it made me so aware that little eyes are watching all the time.  It reminded me that not only am I responsible for my own, but all of God's children rather newborn or elderly.  We are truly his hands and feet.  We are always preaching rather with words or most importantly our actions.

I don't know what to do about this conversation except pray about it.  I've been praying that parents, who I know love Jesus, will feel convicted if they need to get it together.  I was certainly convicted!  Praying that I will become a leader in our home.  I'm praying that I will be a good example to my children. Days that I feel like I'm a complete failure, I'm going to remember this conversation and know that I have to press on even when I'm ready to throw in the towel.  I'm going to quit complaining and start rejoicing.  I'm praying that God will put situations in my life where I can be Jesus to someone, especially in front of my children.  I'm having childlike faith and praying for excitement to be in my heart when it comes to church.  I'm choosing to be the teacher, who also waits to be taught about love, commitment, and trust.  I'm truly a blessed woman.

Shadows or Shoes?

Fake friends are like shadows, always near at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen in your darkest hours.

In a few days, it will be marked as the one year anniversary that I lost a good friend.  Not by death, sometimes I think that may have been easier to handle, but by choice.  I choose to not continue our friendship because I realized that I had been fooled to believe she was a "good" friend.  I could write an entire blog about disappointments and struggles that I have been dealing with this last year, but instead I choosing to write about the friends that I feel meet my requirements.

First of all, I would like to start out by saying my husband is my very best friend.  There's no other person I rather spend my day with.  Rather it's sitting around the house doing nothing, going on an adventure, or sometimes sitting in the snow watching him play softball.  He knows my thoughts, my struggles, my pet peeves, my stress relievers, he knows all.  In fact, around our house, he will say what's your bubble thinking because I'm more of a girl that thinks internally and doesn't say much out loud.  Sometimes I think I scare him a little with my thought process!  He makes me feel normal, he makes me feel loved, he makes me feel safe, he makes me feel worthy.  He truly makes me see that I'm not alone in this battle called life.  I truly love this man and I know he loves me.

Then, there is my old childhood friend, Shellie.  I can't remember how many years we have been friends, but all my school memories have her in them.  Of course, we have had our ups and downs, mainly in school but we always talked things out and embraced our differences.  When I read the sayings about true friends not speaking for years, then when they see each other or talk with one another it's like they never have been apart....I think of Shellie.   I KNOW that I could call her today and we would be chatting like time had never been between us.  We are both Mama's to 3 children, wives to busy husbands, and women who love the Lord and try to live like Jesus.  Occasionally we will send a message to one another, short and sweet basically saying thought of you today.  I think it's our way of saying, I love you and I'm glad we have each other.  Neither one of us are over affectionate people, I would say we are both introverts, but we "get" each other. If she needed me today, I would drop everything I had planned and make the trip.  I know she would do the same.

Lastly, is my good friend Jean.  Sometimes I think we were separated by birth.  We have both struggled with dysfunctional families.  We have both struggled with parenting our sassy girls.  We have both struggled with trust issues.    Yet, God has placed us in each other lives, not to join forces to bitch and moan about our lives, but to fight evil and try to sharpen iron with iron to become the women that God has called us to be.  We call each other out when our doubts about life surface to make our attitudes unbearable.  We praise each other over accomplishments that might seem minor to the world, but we know it was major to our self worth.  We have prayed. cried, laughed with each other more times than I can remember and I'm thankful that I have someone in my life who challenges me to be a better woman, wife, and mother.

I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful that they are not like shadows who leave me in times of darkness, but they are like my favorite pair of shoes who make my journey more comfortable while I travel through valleys and hills in this thing called life.

Where are the leaders?

If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.
John Quincy Adams

Okay, I know some of you are thinking that Jesus is coming back since I'm writing yet another blog post, but this Mama needs sleep so I'm getting some of these conversations out of my head. Sorry for the ramblings, but I hope that some day my children can read these knowing that I struggled with parenting, marriage, friendships, just life in general.

Yesterday, at our LifeGroup we discussed the roles of leaders. I won't go into detail about the conversations, but this is what I've been wrestling with. Leaders should be held at higher standards than others, Right? We are all leaders in some part of our life, Right? Whether you are a factory worker, teacher, nurse, business owner, wife, mother, shouldn't we be thinking about who we are influencing? My hubby, the wise man that he is, basically said this....when I was single I acted a certain way, then I got married acted a certain way, then I had children acted a certain way, then I became a teacher acted a certain way....not that any of his actions were wrong at that stage of his life, but his influence became greater the more responsibilities he took on. So what am I trying to influence my children to do or to become? Are my actions modeling these goals? Am I surrounding myself with families that share these same goals? Do my children know why I'm trying to influence their character? Does the church reflect these same goals?

Seriously, today I was trying to "create a top 10 list" and I really don't know where to start. Here's what I got so far in no particular order. I would love for some wiser, more mature people to chime in.

1. Be honest
2. Respect authority
3. Have manners
4. Pray
5. Study the Word
6. Make good choices
7. Save yourself for marriage
8. Be organized
9. Have compassion
10. Help others
11. Use your talents
12. Don't be materialistic
13. Be giving of your time, money, and skills
14. Follow God
15. Be thrifty & use your money wisely
16. Be thankful
17. Be transparent, not fake
18. Ask for help, it shows strength not weakness
19. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all
20. Get an education
21. Eat healthy

All of these are good traits for my children to have, but I'm trying to focus on about 3 to really "live out" in our daily interactions with each other. I don't want it to become a list of things, I truly want to influence their life.

Start children off on the way they should go,
and even when they are old they will not turn from it. (Proverbs 22:6 NIV)

Love God, Love Others

Now that basketball is over in this household, maybe I can speak my thoughts without the bitter feelings of being a single mama for 3 months. No, this is not a bitch fest against my hubby, it's for ALL parents. First of all, let me explain the picture, instead of being a black stamp on my hand it might at well say SATAN RULES! For some reason, I haven't figured it out quite yet, adults think once they have this stamp everything is free range, yelling, cursing, immaturity, whining, basically any emotions you want to let react.....CAN. So, this stamp was given to me during a wonderful SUNDAY afternoon basketball tournament (insert sarcasm). After attending for just a few minutes, I wanted to take a survey of the crowd to see who just left "church", but then slowly said a prayer to handle myself in a Godly manner. You see, I am my father's daughter, my competitive hubby's wife, and a woman who enjoys winning, not just in sports, but everything....ask Mike :)

The more I parent, the more I realize that parenting isn't easy! Growing up, my Dad spoke "not so kind" comments, not only to coaches and referees, but to his own flesh & blood. I can recall the many times that my Dad got kicked out of ballgames for his behavior. Standing in the street at the softball field, cursing, yelling, acting on his emotions. Memories of words that were said after a ballgame and the feelings that I suppressed for so many years. Then the time that my Dad didn't show up for our National Cheerleading Competition in Tennessee because he didn't "like" cheerleading. Did he not "like" his own daughter? As I grow older, I realize that my Dad took the easy way out! He gave into temptation, instead of holding his tongue. He did what came naturally, instead of fighting against the norm. I can tell you this, whatever lesson my Dad was trying to teach me, whatever skill he was trying to get me to improve.....I don't remember them. I do remember the way I felt! Like a complete idiot, complete failure, complete embarrassment. Nothing I did, ever seemed good enough for him. I don't think that was his intentions, but that's what a little girl remembers when she looks back on those years.

So I'm writing this mainly as a reminder to ALL parents, including myself, to just be your child's biggest fan! Don't hash over the details, don't be negative about other players, coaches, or even referees, don't degrade, don't curse, don't yell, don't embarass, JUST DON'T. You may think I'm an idiot, you may think I have no idea because you don't have ______ as a coach, you may think well "my kids need guidance"....well you might want to read this too. My prayer is next time you get the "stamp", you will remember LOVE GOD, LOVE OTHERS.