Celebration 13 a man that shall be nameless

Celebration 13.
My ex-fiance a man that shall be nameless.

As far as I know, he still lives around this area and I think we could have some mutual friends on facebook which makes this celebration a little tricky for me.  I will not be including a picture of him or his name for my protection and his family's protection.  Like I said in my previous blog, I would never want someone to judge me for who I was years ago to the person I am trying to be today.  I have prayed numerous times that he changed. He had a wife and two beautiful daughters that needed him to be a better man.  I hope and pray he's a better man.

I met him at Bender Lumber and he sweep me off my feet.  No man had ever treated me so kindly before.  He was my prince charming that I waited so long to rescue me.  I remember early on, my friend at the time said you're going to marry that man and be a happy woman!  He asked me to marry him after just 4 months of dating and I gladly accepted.  I thought all my dreams were coming true..........until we had our first real fight.

I can be a bitch.  I can be demanding.  I can be unreasonable, I can hold my own when I think I'm right.  I can still remember where I was, what I was wearing, the look on his face the first time he choked me and held me against the wall during an argument.  I nearly passed out.  That was just the beginning.  He was mean.  He was manipulative.  He was forceful.  He was deceiving.  He was good at convincing me that I wouldn't find another man who would tolerate me let alone love me with all my flaws and weaknesses.  This didn't just happen quickly....it was a slow process with the brainwashing.

The last time I seen him was when the police arrived at my parents house.  He had found out I was dating Michael and was on his way to "talk it over with me".  End result.  My dads ribs were broken, I was hiding in the other room, while my mother called 911 and he was escorted out of the home.   I always felt terrible for my parents, they had NO IDEA how bad it was with him because I hid it so well.  I also remember him calling that same night telling me he wasn't done, he said "It's not over, I'm going to kill you, you f***** bitch".  Yep last time.

It took me years, I mean years to forgive that man.  I wanted to push the many thoughts, regrets, and memories out of my head.  I would love to say that he doesn't have any effect on the woman I am today, but that would be a lie.  I still struggle with my worthiness.  I still struggle with trust.  I still struggle with having a healthy argument with Michael, I just shut down.  I still struggle with being loved.  Some days are good.  Some days are HELL.  It frustrates me that he still has some control over me even though it's been 18 years ago.  I believe Satan thrives on this insecurity.  Which is why I ended up going to therapy.  I knew God had intended for me to be a better woman, a better wife, and a better mother.  My family deserved a better ME.

He taught me forgiveness.  In his memory, I'm volunteering some of my time at the local domestic violence shelter.  If you are in this type of relationship or have been in this type of relationship hear me say this.....YOU ARE WORTHY AND YOU ARE A LOVED!!