Shadows or Shoes?

Fake friends are like shadows, always near at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen in your darkest hours.

In a few days, it will be marked as the one year anniversary that I lost a good friend.  Not by death, sometimes I think that may have been easier to handle, but by choice.  I choose to not continue our friendship because I realized that I had been fooled to believe she was a "good" friend.  I could write an entire blog about disappointments and struggles that I have been dealing with this last year, but instead I choosing to write about the friends that I feel meet my requirements.

First of all, I would like to start out by saying my husband is my very best friend.  There's no other person I rather spend my day with.  Rather it's sitting around the house doing nothing, going on an adventure, or sometimes sitting in the snow watching him play softball.  He knows my thoughts, my struggles, my pet peeves, my stress relievers, he knows all.  In fact, around our house, he will say what's your bubble thinking because I'm more of a girl that thinks internally and doesn't say much out loud.  Sometimes I think I scare him a little with my thought process!  He makes me feel normal, he makes me feel loved, he makes me feel safe, he makes me feel worthy.  He truly makes me see that I'm not alone in this battle called life.  I truly love this man and I know he loves me.

Then, there is my old childhood friend, Shellie.  I can't remember how many years we have been friends, but all my school memories have her in them.  Of course, we have had our ups and downs, mainly in school but we always talked things out and embraced our differences.  When I read the sayings about true friends not speaking for years, then when they see each other or talk with one another it's like they never have been apart....I think of Shellie.   I KNOW that I could call her today and we would be chatting like time had never been between us.  We are both Mama's to 3 children, wives to busy husbands, and women who love the Lord and try to live like Jesus.  Occasionally we will send a message to one another, short and sweet basically saying thought of you today.  I think it's our way of saying, I love you and I'm glad we have each other.  Neither one of us are over affectionate people, I would say we are both introverts, but we "get" each other. If she needed me today, I would drop everything I had planned and make the trip.  I know she would do the same.

Lastly, is my good friend Jean.  Sometimes I think we were separated by birth.  We have both struggled with dysfunctional families.  We have both struggled with parenting our sassy girls.  We have both struggled with trust issues.    Yet, God has placed us in each other lives, not to join forces to bitch and moan about our lives, but to fight evil and try to sharpen iron with iron to become the women that God has called us to be.  We call each other out when our doubts about life surface to make our attitudes unbearable.  We praise each other over accomplishments that might seem minor to the world, but we know it was major to our self worth.  We have prayed. cried, laughed with each other more times than I can remember and I'm thankful that I have someone in my life who challenges me to be a better woman, wife, and mother.

I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful that they are not like shadows who leave me in times of darkness, but they are like my favorite pair of shoes who make my journey more comfortable while I travel through valleys and hills in this thing called life.

Where are the leaders?

If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.
John Quincy Adams

Okay, I know some of you are thinking that Jesus is coming back since I'm writing yet another blog post, but this Mama needs sleep so I'm getting some of these conversations out of my head. Sorry for the ramblings, but I hope that some day my children can read these knowing that I struggled with parenting, marriage, friendships, just life in general.

Yesterday, at our LifeGroup we discussed the roles of leaders. I won't go into detail about the conversations, but this is what I've been wrestling with. Leaders should be held at higher standards than others, Right? We are all leaders in some part of our life, Right? Whether you are a factory worker, teacher, nurse, business owner, wife, mother, shouldn't we be thinking about who we are influencing? My hubby, the wise man that he is, basically said this....when I was single I acted a certain way, then I got married acted a certain way, then I had children acted a certain way, then I became a teacher acted a certain way....not that any of his actions were wrong at that stage of his life, but his influence became greater the more responsibilities he took on. So what am I trying to influence my children to do or to become? Are my actions modeling these goals? Am I surrounding myself with families that share these same goals? Do my children know why I'm trying to influence their character? Does the church reflect these same goals?

Seriously, today I was trying to "create a top 10 list" and I really don't know where to start. Here's what I got so far in no particular order. I would love for some wiser, more mature people to chime in.

1. Be honest
2. Respect authority
3. Have manners
4. Pray
5. Study the Word
6. Make good choices
7. Save yourself for marriage
8. Be organized
9. Have compassion
10. Help others
11. Use your talents
12. Don't be materialistic
13. Be giving of your time, money, and skills
14. Follow God
15. Be thrifty & use your money wisely
16. Be thankful
17. Be transparent, not fake
18. Ask for help, it shows strength not weakness
19. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all
20. Get an education
21. Eat healthy

All of these are good traits for my children to have, but I'm trying to focus on about 3 to really "live out" in our daily interactions with each other. I don't want it to become a list of things, I truly want to influence their life.

Start children off on the way they should go,
and even when they are old they will not turn from it. (Proverbs 22:6 NIV)

Love God, Love Others

Now that basketball is over in this household, maybe I can speak my thoughts without the bitter feelings of being a single mama for 3 months. No, this is not a bitch fest against my hubby, it's for ALL parents. First of all, let me explain the picture, instead of being a black stamp on my hand it might at well say SATAN RULES! For some reason, I haven't figured it out quite yet, adults think once they have this stamp everything is free range, yelling, cursing, immaturity, whining, basically any emotions you want to let react.....CAN. So, this stamp was given to me during a wonderful SUNDAY afternoon basketball tournament (insert sarcasm). After attending for just a few minutes, I wanted to take a survey of the crowd to see who just left "church", but then slowly said a prayer to handle myself in a Godly manner. You see, I am my father's daughter, my competitive hubby's wife, and a woman who enjoys winning, not just in sports, but everything....ask Mike :)

The more I parent, the more I realize that parenting isn't easy! Growing up, my Dad spoke "not so kind" comments, not only to coaches and referees, but to his own flesh & blood. I can recall the many times that my Dad got kicked out of ballgames for his behavior. Standing in the street at the softball field, cursing, yelling, acting on his emotions. Memories of words that were said after a ballgame and the feelings that I suppressed for so many years. Then the time that my Dad didn't show up for our National Cheerleading Competition in Tennessee because he didn't "like" cheerleading. Did he not "like" his own daughter? As I grow older, I realize that my Dad took the easy way out! He gave into temptation, instead of holding his tongue. He did what came naturally, instead of fighting against the norm. I can tell you this, whatever lesson my Dad was trying to teach me, whatever skill he was trying to get me to improve.....I don't remember them. I do remember the way I felt! Like a complete idiot, complete failure, complete embarrassment. Nothing I did, ever seemed good enough for him. I don't think that was his intentions, but that's what a little girl remembers when she looks back on those years.

So I'm writing this mainly as a reminder to ALL parents, including myself, to just be your child's biggest fan! Don't hash over the details, don't be negative about other players, coaches, or even referees, don't degrade, don't curse, don't yell, don't embarass, JUST DON'T. You may think I'm an idiot, you may think I have no idea because you don't have ______ as a coach, you may think well "my kids need guidance"....well you might want to read this too. My prayer is next time you get the "stamp", you will remember LOVE GOD, LOVE OTHERS.

Gaps in the sidewalk

Today in the local newspaper there was an article about young people turning away from religion. The following quotes could have been said directly by me (even though I'm not in my early 20's). Here's the section of the article that spoke to me as I felt someone had crawled into my head & wrote my feelings down for all to read!

Young people read in scripture about the great risks people took on behalf of their faith and feel as if their experience in church was very safe and innocuous and devoid of challenge,” he said. “They say that God seemed missing from their church experience.”

“Sometimes we preachers are guilty of communicating Bible truths without applying it and making it relevant to young people and the issues they are facing,” he said. “When we fail to apply Biblical truths to the 21st century, we fail our young people.”

These last few months, okay who am I kidding, these last few years I really don't know why I go to church! If it wasn't for my hubby being
the man he is, this "young lady" would stay in bed. I know, I know what about my children. Sure I want to teach them that church is important, but more importantly I want them to love God, love others, as Jesus did. To be completely honest, the church fails time after time, when it comes to true sacrifice of our time, our money, and our commitment!

I'm not sure how to get out of this funk! Any wisdom on the matter would be greatly appreciated! We (I) have spoken to the elders about our concerns that we see in the church. I go to church every Sunday with an open heart, yearning to be filled with the holy spirit, leaving feeling fresh & renewed by worshiping God.....but it's just not happening. I attend Wednesday night bible study only to walk away frustrated with mediocre discussion, so much lip service, no actions needed. Then, Sunday night we are suppose to have a small group which we can be accountable to, have close relationships with.....well that ain't happening!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing my church, I'm bashing all churches! Are we really different from the world? Are we really sacrificing? Are we too comfortable to really be working for Gods kingdom? Are we really on a journey or have we pushed the auto pilot button?

All these thoughts & questions that I wrestle with are just gaps in the sidewalk that occasionally I trip over in my daily walk. Sometimes I can just prepare myself & step over them rejoicing in my ability to see them ahead of time to avoid the embarrassment of my fall. Other times, I'm walking too fast to even notice the instability that lays ahead. Then there are times, like now, that I see the gaps, I want to avoid them, but for some reason I can't & I stumble........but I always make it to my destination. Maybe a little bruised, extremely tired, frustrated beyond words, but FAITHFUL to finish the walk.

What a privilege to carry!

Today in our sunday school class, a question was asked of us. List 3 things that stress you out about parenting. Immediately, I could think of about 20 things that "get on my nerves" but the word stressed really got me thinking. My three were in no particular order, death of my child/children either through freak accident or illness, my children making the right decisions, & safety/innocence. Not that I think of these every waking minute, but I must admit these things have made me lose some precious beauty sleep. How do I as a parent release that control & trust in God? Have confidence that what we are doing as parents will keep them safe & mature them into loving adults? And if he decides to take them earlier than what I expected, to be okay with that? In all the craziness that bounces back and forth in my head, I have been convinced that I am truly blessed to be called a mother. What better self help book to read about parenting than the bible! What humbleness I have to realize that God has trusted me, Joni Mathews, to raise his children here on earth. What a privilage that is.

Thinking to Thanking??

Feeling blah! I really want to write something uplifting and positive, I have so many things to be thankful for. Yet sometimes I just can't do it, today is one of those days. Sorry.

Things that are stressing me

1. My hubby's happiness
2. Grant needing glasses
3. My house appraisal
4. Unorganized house
5. Friends that used to be present, now are distant
6. Paying for Mike's Master's program
7. Truck making a funny sound (transmission is my diagnosis)
8. My big fat _____!!
9. Relationship with the Almighty
10. Maddox's reading ability
11. Basketball season
12. Lily's innocence
13. Lack of good role models
14. Death
15. Church

Hoping if I write them down it will ease my mind and anxiety. God please see my words, give peace to my thoughts, and let me follow with faith. Amen

Dream Weaver

A dream has power to poison sleep. ~Percy Bysshe Shelley

Dreams are so mysterious! For the most part, I remember my dreams every night. Another thing that I do with dreams are do-overs, at least that's what I call it. If I'm dreaming something terrible, I will wake myself up, think rationally what I would do in the situation, then go back to my dream and have a do-over. Kinda like a movie, stop it, rewind it, play it again but this time with another scene. Then if something happens in the dream that I didn't think about (ex: having a cell with no service) then the process starts all over. My hubby thinks this is awesome, I think it's exhausting!!! Yes, it's cool that I can change the outcome, but I would rather wake up and NOT go back to the nightmare.

A few years ago, my dreams were the all dramatic, unchanging, predictable soap opera. You know, the show that's the same today as it was 15 years ago. Same problems, same solutions, same type of character, but just in different locations. The character (me) was always hiding because I had seen something terrible. My solution was to run, hide, and try to find help before my life was taken by some stranger for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I had this soap opera dream for at least 10 years. Luckily, after some soul searching, Godly counseling, and determination I tackled this nightmare and faced some of the problems that had happened in my past that I was desperately trying to run from. Thankfully, my soap opera was canceled because the producer decided to pursue a different path :)

Today, my reoccurring dream is some type of torture. It usually consist of me or my family being an innocent victim to unimaginable events. The outcome isn't pleasant and for some reason I can't create a do-over because it's usually bigger than I am. Either a nuclear bomb exploding in the US, a terrorist beheading my family, or a deadly epidemic that has been released by our own government. Scary huh? I'm desperately trying to figure out what the underline problem/situation is so I again can cancel this everlasting horror movie. Until then........I'm exhausted!!!