Celebration 24 Rick Smale

Celebration 25
My therapist Rick Smale.

As mentioned in my earlier post, I had friends who challenged me to be a better woman for Christ, a more loving wife to Mike, and a more gentle mother to my children.  I was angry.  I was scared.  I was regretful.  I was slowly slipping deeper and deeper into a dark past that was forbidding me to shine my life for Jesus.  I didn't really KNOW this, but you could just watch my actions and question my ability for being a good witness.  They called me out one night sitting around the fire.  We had discussed past hurts, unanswered prayers, and our struggles with marriage and parenting.  Not a bitch session, just a heart to heart discussion. I remember my friend Jean, asking point blank did something happen to you when you were young.....pause......heart beating......"What do you mean?  My dad wasn't always the kindest with his words"..........pause.......me thinking Shew I missed that bullet :)  My sweet friend Jean again, "No I mean something else, I think we have had the same experience as a child, if it's what I'm thinking and it truly sounds like it is, Joni you need to talk with someone!"  I burst out in tears, shaking my head in agreement.  It was my deepest darkest secret.  It was the small voice that taunted me at night.  It was the one thing that I had pushed down so deep that I didn't want to relive that night.  

Reluctantly, I went to talk with a Christian Counselor that gave me scriptures to meditate on, books to read about moving forward, and just a sweet spirit to let me do the ugly cry without any judgement or fear.  He truly changed my life.  Funny thing was that once I admitted that happened in my life and quit putting blame on myself my burden was lifted and the baggage that I carried for so long was given a new home.  I truly laid it at the feet of Jesus and knew he was only one who would and could change me.  

Another thing he made me realize was the ripple effect of that experience and even though it wasn't an intentional act of rejection and hurt, I was a woman who needed to choose what voice I would listen to that day.  It was affecting my marriage.  It was affecting the way I parented.  I wrote a poem during that time that I want to share today.  

FREE
It's a new day and I wake up refreshed and renewed,Telling myself that today I'm forgiven and that I have no debts that are overdue.
I fight back temptations and memories that I want to go away,Because I'm choosing to fight my battles instead of hiding and running astray.
Good times, bad times, it goes back and forth in my head,Praying to my loving God, that I would continue my walk with him like I said.
Stumbling to be quiet and still to listen to his voice,Knowing that I have free will and hoping that I will make the right choice.
But too often, I go along in this pathetic life,Like a woman without hope and keeping tabs on all the things I don't do right.
Fall in love with me, worship me, allow me to be your all,Let me wipe away your sadness and grief, let me catch you when you decide to fall.
Holding onto the lies that Satan whispers in my ear,Has been my best friend, my companion, and excuse for oh so many years.
I ponder why he wants and seeks a relationship with stupid old me,Truth is, I do know the TRUTH, but sometimes it's more comfortable than being set free!

I am a free forgiven woman.  Do I have it figured out?  Absolutely not.  Do I fail?  Yep, most days.  Did my therapy fix all my problems.  Nope, but it makes them bearable.  Some days I need a do over.  Some days I fall back to my old selfish ways.  Some days I want to press the memories and hurt instead of facing them head on!  Some days I'm awesome.  Some days I'm more affectionate to my family.  Some days I don't let fear override joy.

He taught me to face my fears.  In his honor, I'm sending a special package to a woman who has faced devastating loss with honor and strength.  She truly is amazing.

Celebration 23 Hoosier Uplands Staff

Celebration 23
Hoosier Uplands Co-Workers.

When I was freshly out of school, I got a good paying job at a local factory doing secretarial work.  I loved my job, but my boss was unbearable. I enjoyed her as a person, but when it came to pleasing that woman I could do NOTHING to satisfy her.  It was a very long 3 years.  Freshly married, I would come home almost daily crying about what she said, how she treated me, or just from pure exhaustion of trying to perform at perfection level daily.  Mike had enough, he said you're quitting,...put in your 2 week notice and be done.  I did just that without having a job to transfer to.  It was a bit scary.  Giving up my benefits, my income just because I couldn't handle it.  God provided just like he always has.

Just 2 weeks later, I was hired to be the Section 8 Housing Specialist at Hoosier Uplands.  I worked for a boss, Amy Hopper, that made my job a pleasure instead of a burden.  She lead the way when it came to hard work, she never demanded perfection and she would do any job that was required instead of playing the power card of authority.  She was understanding.  She rewarded hard work.  It was good.  Also, there were others in the office that made my job fun and interesting.  We could talk about any issue and for the most part feelings and personal opinions didn't get in the way.  Addie always had a funny story about Chuck, her husband or her son, Damon.   She was quite the story teller and I'm sure America would tune in for her reality show.  Also, Jenny would tell some tales about her two boys growing up.  I can still remember the story when her youngest Kyle was using the bathroom and the toilet automatically flushed......he yelled "I'm not done!"  Then, there was Bobbi.  She challenged some of my thinking.  We would talk religion, politics, children, parenting, she would speak truth to me on some issues and I think I did the same.  We helped each other "talk it out".......mainly because I think both of our hubbies don't talk much :)  We had to get all of our questions answered.

There were others, but those girls were the ones closest to my desk.  I miss those days.  I didn't particularly love the job since it was working for the government.  Nothing better than to see your hard earn money going to waste on some people who played the system.  It was definitely eye opening!  I was in that office when 9/11 happened and I can still remember listening to the broadcast over the intercom.

They taught me how to be a good co-worker.  In their honor, I worked an extra 3 1/2 hours tonight doing a project for my bosses even though it wasn't needed until 2 weeks from now.  It really isn't business related, it's more of a personal matter for them.  I know they appreciate my help!

Celebration 26 Debbie Timmons

Celebration 26
Prayer Warrior Debbie Timmons.

Probably most of my friends on Facebook didn't know Debbie.  She was a quiet soul.  She would do things in the background never wanting to be acknowledged for her talents or good works.  I didn't know her really well, but her witness was still powerful enough that she is someone I thought of when I wanted to do these celebrations.  Her prayer life still challenges me today even though she is gone. I'm still trying to learn by her example.

If ever I needed prayer, she was the first person I thought of.  She was a woman I looked for guidance and she helped with my spiritual growth.  She had such wisdom and compassion.

Also, she was a good friend to Brenda.  I know that Brenda misses her dearly.  The countless cards she received from "her Debbie" could fill a whole rack at the local Hallmark store.  They always seemed to come at the right time and the words that Debbie wrote I am convinced came straight from the Lord.  Her words were heartfelt.  Scriptures that she quoted were perfect for the situation or trial you were facing.  When I think of a servant I always think of Debbie.

She taught me the importance of prayer.  In her memory, I prayed and sent some cards to several people that Jesus laid on my heart.

Celebration 22 Michelle Spear

Celebration 22
A woman who I used to call friend Michelle Spear.

This blog is one of the hardest for me to write along with the man who shall remain nameless.  They both represent hurt in my past.  Let me just start off by saying, I have no ill feelings towards Michelle.  I still pray for her often.  I'm not for sure what I did that was so horribly wrong.  She not only unfriended me on Facebook she completely blocked me.  I truly have no words for that.

I first met Michelle while working at Hoosier Uplands.  Later, I became good friends with her at Mitchell Church of Christ.  We were both about the same age, both stay at home mommies, both had husbands that were in ministry, both trying to live for Jesus.  We had a small mommy's group that met together and from that ministry our friendship blossomed.  We had many conversations around a fire pit in her back yard, many good ugly cries about stresses in our lives, and several coffee dates to get out of the house!  I read an article about such thing and I'm going to share some words of wisdom.

One of my favorite things to hear from a good friend is "Let's get together and have coffee."  It isn't just that I love coffee. (I really do.) It's that I love the relationships that have been forged over those long talks.  It makes us accountable.  Real gospel-driven accountability is way more about a life-giving relationship instead of someone reluctantly confessing their struggles.   Healthy, thriving Jesus-centered accountability is reflected in a relationship where each person encourages the other to know and love Christ more deeply.

Why do it?  Because the Christian life isn't meant to be a solo act.  We need each other.  We need the local church.  And at a more personal, one-on-one level, we need friends who will keep us accountable and remind us of God's truth.

Michelle was that for me.  I'm so grateful for that time in my life when God made our paths cross.  My natural attitude is to feel discouraged, to be hard on myself, to lose sight of God's sovereignty and sweet love for me.  He gave me Michelle who could give the best grace-filled pep talk and speak truth to me even when it wasn't easy to say!

I thought I was that for her too, but for some reason she pushed me away.  It was hurtful.  It was painful.  It was unexpected, but it is okay.  I pray that she has this relationship with new friendships, I pray that she knows that my door is always open, I pray that she is not going through life isolated and alone.  I hold on to the sweet memories we had together and try not to dwell on the rejection and hurt.  I'm not going to lie, it's not easy.

She taught me about accountability.  In her honor, I bought coffee for someone in Starbucks not the drive-thru, but someone sitting down having a face to face conversation coffee :)

Celebration 21 Russell "Goat" White

Celebration 21
Neighbor Russell "Goat" White.

Once Mike and I moved into my childhood home that we bought from my parents, we inherited good ole neighbor Goat.  While growing up in that home, I remember him sitting in the back yard always messing with something.  He had lots of projects sitting around and I remember thinking clean up your yard.  I was a young girl knowing nothing about owning my own home and how easy things can pile up because you have plans for them :)

Once Mike and I were living in the house, Goat had retired from his job.  He spent many a day planting his vegetable garden, fixing up boats, and visiting with my children.  NO matter how busy he was, he would come to the fence and chat with the kids.  He watched numerous fights from across the fence and would just wave at me when my patience with the kiddos were running thin.  If we needed any tools he was the first guy we went too.......it was a good thing that he had all those projects :)  He was as handy as a pocket on a shirt.  He knew something about everything.

I remember the day he passed.  I remember the chair that still sits in the yard where his wife found him.  I also remember seeing him in that chair several mornings reading his bible.  I remember when he told Mike and I that he was a different man because he accepted Jesus, better late than never he said! He was in his late 60's.  He was a good neighbor and I miss him dearly.

He taught me to keep things.  This is hard for me.  I struggle with keeping things that I don't have plans for in the next 5 minutes.  All the pictures colored by the kiddos, clothes that no longer fit, household items that don't have a place.  In his honor, I took some cookies to my current neighbors and thanked them for being good ones!  Even though, they will never compare to good ole Goat!

Celebration 20 Stevie Gilbert

Celebration 20
First Baptist youth group member Stevie Gilbert.

When I think about Mike's youth group days I always think of Stevie.  He probably doesn't appreciate me calling him Stevie, but he can get over it :)  I had my doubts about our relationship.  He wasn't easy to love and understand.  I wasn't easy to push away.  We battled several times about things, but I always appreciated his honesty.  He would let me know if he thought I was wrong, he would let me know if I was getting on his nerves, he would flat out tell me that he didn't like me and I was fine with it!  What he probably didn't know was that we were the same person underneath our outside appearances.

He had a wall, I had a wall.  He didn't trust people intentions, I didn't trust people intentions.  He didn't feel worthy, I didn't feel worthy.  He didn't want to get hurt, I didn't want to get hurt. He didn't feel loved, I didn't feel loved.  Doubts, fears, past experience, lost, worthiness, guilt....I'm telling you same person!  I wrote that boy several notes of encouragement and truth.  I prayed for him constantly.  I loved him as he was my own. I knew the game he was playing and I choose to participate.

Even though he made me mad some days, even though he made me doubt my beliefs, even though he pushed all boundaries.....HE WAS WORTH IT!  I never gave up on him.  He still holds a special place in my heart and even though I don't tell him often....I love that little turd!

I'm glad that later in life God gave me the blessing of him admitting that we meant something to him.  That we made a difference in his life.  That's all I ever wanted to do, show him the love of Jesus.  To let him know that he was a beloved son even if his earthly parents weren't so great.  He was loved by the Almighty Father.

He taught me to love even when you're not 100% sure. In his honor, I know he loves his kitties, so I'm donating cat food to our local humane society.  

Celebration 19 First Baptist Church

Celebration 19
First Baptist Church.

When Mike and I were dating, I remember sitting in the car with him one night and we were talking..........probably kissing too!  I remember he asked me "Why did you want to go out with me?"  I immediately told him because he was a good Christian man.  He teared up and told me I had been deceived. I remember that he told me he was NOT a good faithful servant.  He was raised in the church, but in his early 20's had strayed away.

He was going to school at Indiana University to be a teacher.  We attended First Baptist together on the weekends.  I knew deep down he was a man of God and just needed some prayers on his behalf.  I had prayed faithfully after the choices of men in my life that God would send me someone who loved Jesus! Then summer was here and Mike needed a job.  He applied for the youth minister intern to help out the church. Summer came and went and he was still there doing God's work and enjoying himself.  College started back up and he was asked if he would like to be the full time youth pastor.  He prayed and prayed and finally accepted the position.  He still needed to finish college so he worked and studied that whole year along with asking me to marry him and planning our wedding.  We had began our journey together.   I remember praying to God pleading that I didn't MEAN that Godly of a man, just a guy that loved Jesus.  I did NOT want to be a pastor's wife!!  I'm sure he laughed at me and wasn't listening to me complain :)

We had both been active in the youth and knew several people in the church, so it felt like home to us.  As with all churches, there were good people and people that required extra grace :) Those were some of the best and worst relationships I had ever experienced.  People who wanted to encourage and people who wanted to stir up s***!  I remember praying one night in particular during a youth retreat to either shut the woman up who was speaking horrendous words about my husband and the church OR TO SHUT ME UP!  It took everything I had to keep quiet and not let my ugly come out.  I never prayed for someone to leave the church until that incident.

On the flip-side, there were people who praised Mike and his ministry.  There were young mothers who encouraged me after Lily came along.  There were people who prayed along side me.  There were helpers. There were kind words.  There were lessons that needed to be learned by this young naive girl about how Satan can stir chaos, dissatisfaction, turmoil, and division in the church.

First Baptist taught me to be careful with my words.  In honor of the Church, I'm choosing one whole day to do nothing but compliment the people I'm around.