Church Sucks!

A personal relationship with Jesus includes a public relationship with his people. Do you selfishly want the benefits without the burdens? ~ Mark Driscoll

YES!! YES!! YES!!  Can I get an Amen!

Church is hard.  Being motivated to go to church, exhausting at times.  Church is needed, but not always wanted.  Lately, I have been disappointed in God's people, including myself.  It's a fight with myself most Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights, convincing myself that it's better to go even with a not so right attitude than to not go at all, but then Satan begins to whisper in my ear, you hypocrite, big fat liar, be a false witness because you are a worthless Jesus follower.

Most of this frustration comes with the relationships or lack of relationships that I have with his people.   If I could just sing praises to him daily, be inspired by his word, feel the peace that he freely gives, then being a Jesus follower wouldn't be such a task.  But, we are thrown in with Judas's of our days who look to betray our trust, we are expected to mingle with the Thomas's who doubt what Jesus is doing in the church, and work along side the Martha's who are way to busy to focus on Jesus because of the task they have at hand.

My husband always call these people EGR people.  You know who they are, when you see them at church, you politely go the other way.  Never rude, never friendly, just avoid them if at all possible.  Extra (E) Grace (G) Required (R).  Funny thing about EGR's are guess what, I am someone's EGR.  Someone pretends that they need to go to the bathroom when they see me walking their way.  Someone talks about me and my annoying habits, my disrespectful comments, my long annoying conversations, and my lack of singing ability :)  That's hard to swallow, but the truth!  

We are called to Love God, Love Others.  Why couldn't it just be Love God.  I want to say I have the Love  God figured out. but if that was true loving others, loving his people wouldn't be such a burden!  Praying that God intervenes in the relationships that make it more of a burden than a blessing to be the Church.  Praying that if I'm the Judas, Thomas, or Martha that makes it impossible to worship God, than he gives me friends like Nathan to call me out on my behavior!  Until then, I'll continue to Believe all things are possible, Hope all things will be easy, and have Faith all things will work out.

Daddy

Dear Papaw,

If I had a wish and it had to be for someone else I would wish a wish for you.  I would wish that you would stop smoking and wish that you would stop saying inipropret (inappropriate) words.  If I had to pick one I would pick the words.  

PS.  It makes me upset that I know you say words that I don't like.  It makes me sad.  

PLEASE STOP!!

Lily

My daughter didn't want me reading this, she would really be upset with me if she knew I was blogging about it.  Hopefully one day, when she matures, she can read my thoughts and appreciate my wisdom :)  What makes it more interesting is the conversation that followed.  

Lily:  Did you read that letter?

Me:  Yes, I did.  What are you planning on doing with it?

Lily:   Give it to Papaw.

Me:  Well, if I had to choose between those two things, I would choose him to stop smoking.

Lily:  Well, hmm, smoking hurts him, his words hurt others.  

Right then and there, I wanted to crawl into my bed and be done for the night.  This little girl understands the power of words, accepts reality for what it is, and chooses to ASK him to change his behavior.  Why didn't I ever do that?  It took me years to accept my dad for who he was, forgive him for his harsh words, accept reality and know that I needed to love him like Jesus demanded.  That's really hard.  I NEVER thought I should have a discussion with him and ask him to be wiser when it came to the way he spoke.  Instead I would take every word that rolled off his tongue and think of ways that it offended me.  Still to this day, there are times, I interpret his words to mean something he truly doesn't say.  My husband has been kind and gentle in rebuking me when I twist his words to make me feel worthless.  I chose to live my life that way.  I chose to suffer in silence.  I chose everyday to think of ways that he had damaged me.  I chose to live as the victim of circumstances.  When in all reality, I chose hatred.

My dad would be shocked if he knew some of things I did in rebellion, proving to him that I could be worthless and stupid.  My dad would be heartbroken if he knew that the "real" song I wanted to dance with him at my wedding, was "Daddy" from Alanis Morrisette.  My dad would be ashamed if he knew all those years, I kept dates, times, circumstances, in my head of disappointments and harsh words.  I kept them like a daily diary, the memories of my childhood would be hashed over & over when I lay in bed at night.  But, with so many things in my life, God intervened.  

The woman I was becoming......negative, fearful, distrustful, bitchy, mean wasn't God's plan for me.  I started facing some of those childhood memories, some fact, some fiction, and forgave.  It wasn't easy.  It wasn't a quick fix.  It was a life-changing decision for me to realize that this man, loved me.  He wasn't the best at showing it to me, at least that's what I thought.  Now that I'm more mature, I realize his love language.  He was a provider, he was a hard worker, he was honest, but most of all he was and is my dad.  Not right, not wrong, just different than what I envisioned our relationship being.  Does he love me?  Absolutely.  Is he proud of me?  Yep, most days.  Does he wish he would have done things differently?  I think so.  Maybe I will get enough nerve and ASK him......or have Lily write him a letter :)